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how to extract your child

Post #13 • May 15, 2003, 2:46 PM

How to extract your child from the Shenandoah Branch Public Library, Miami, Florida:

1. Stop in road so that other traffic must drive around you. (Works best with steroidal vehicles designed for off-road cargo hauling, although the only time you go off-road is when you park on the sidewalk and the heaviest load you carry is, well, your own.) Do not at any point put on your emergency blinkers; this would alert other traffic of your intentions not to move.

2. Honk your horn.

3. Honk your horn.

4. Honk like you mean it.

5. I mean, really honk.

6. Honk like your ass was on fire.

7. Honk out “shave and a haircut, two bits.”

8. Honk out “shave and a haircut, twooooooo biiiiiiiiits.”

9. Lean on the horn for a long time, as if speaking the language slowly to someone who doesn’t understand it.

10. Leaving car in road, get out (climb down), enter library, seek out child, scold thoroughly for making you wait, walk back to car and drive off in a huff. Bonus points for screeching tires.

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